The Tears That Flow

Ever have one of those days when no matter what you do the tears will not stop? I am not having that day now, I did have one last week, but something today made me think about it. You know the day I am talking about? It is the day when so many small things happen that just pile on top of each other and then one final thing happens and you CANNOT STOP CRYING?!

Last week, during the run of All Shook Up I was exhausted. I would get up to go to work around 7 a.m. on most days (or 6 on the day we have our meeting), work all day, run home to change into my tech outfit and shovel food into my mouth, be at the stage at 6 p.m. to open the rooms for setting up, run the show, clean up, get home around 11:30 p.m. most days, then have to count the money in the cash box, clean the mics, and some nights take a shower. I would crawl into bed around 1:30 or 2 a.m. on a bad night. Get up and start it all over again. Well after a few days of this I was so tired I could not see straight. Add to it some new medication for shingles that made me foggy and I was pretty messed up.

Wednesday was an average day. Though I was pretty busy at work, had to work through my lunch hour, was late to set up for the night, and forgot my keys. So I was already a little frantic that night. Something small, and relatively innocuous happened that was unrelated to the show that broke my hear a little. It happened at the show, and in front of me, and it set me off. I could not turn off the water works. I sat in the sound booth and cried pretty much through the entire show. The end of Act I in All Shook Up is a song "Can't Help Falling in Love" and the cast signs part of it. It really was a touching bit of the show. Again, I cried. Then in Act II the character Sylvia sings a song to Jim "There's Always Me" where Jim rejects her. Again, I cried. I went to bed in tears that night, I woke up in tears the next morning. You could have told me that my shoe lace was broken and I would have cried (especially since I was wearing flip flops.)

The funny thing (now in retrospect) was that I really had no reason to be upset by what I had seen. I did not have any real cause for the tears; the emotional cause was real, but the rest of it was fluff. I had, in my mind, convinced myself of a possible reality that would, in actuality, never be. So the "death" of that dream is what I guess I was mourning. Once I accepted that this dream or hope was never going to be a reality, I was fine. I had to have a conversation with my mind (for those who were in drama at Hillcrest crica 1994 - I said to myself "SELF! AHHH!!") and the sad thing is, I actually talked back to the voice of reason in my head. So not only was I weepy, but I was actually talking to the voices in my head.

I do not know when crying became a sign of weakness. I think it is a natural part of being human, obviously or God would not have given us tear ducts. I think that everyone needs and deserves a good cry from time to time. I felt like I was letting people down by crying when I was supposed to be the boss for All Shook Up. I will never forget the kindness of K, S, & P who just let me cry. Especially P who came over and put her arms around me at the sound board and let me sob a little. M & L after the show, without knowing what was going on, each gave me a hug and told me they loved me. Isn't it interesting that these little things that are good do not add up as quickly as the little bad things do.

So I say we should celebrate the small triumphs more than we mourn the small losses. We should be able to accept compliments easier than we accept criticism. We should be able to look at life's little miracles easier than we see the little piles of crap that life deals out. And we should eat more chocolate!! So let it be written (or rihhun) so let it be done!!