The Letters I Want to Write Today

Dear Gaffer Tape,

I love you and want to register for you if I ever get married. You glow in the dark now?! Child, please!! Hold me!

Dear Cast,

Oh man you are golden!

Dear iPad,

I miss playing with you more often. Please magically find a new game to be obsessed with. The Frogs and Birds are kind of getting old.

Dear Manager at the Fat Girl Store,

I am not going to beat around the bush here, you are too skinny to work at the Fat Girl Store. There I said it, I meant it. See here is the thing about the Fat Girl Store: It is where the Fat Girls shop; not the skinny girls. When the Fat Girl comes in to return the bras that were sent that are the wrong size she does not want to know how glad you are that she returned them to you because you wear that size (that by the way should not be sold at the Fat Girl Store because they are too small for the Fat Girl) No, the Fat Girl is already put out that she had to come into the store to return the things when she ordered them online for convenience! Some people would say the solution would be for me, the Fat Girl, to lose weight so I can shop and the Skinny Girl Store; I say the solution is for you to sit down with a nice big chocolate cake so you fit in; and tell corporate to stop selling clothing that the Skinny Girl wears, she has her own store.

Dear Employee at the Fat Girl Store,

Again, not going to beat around the bush, you need a different shirt. The thing about being a Fat Girl is that sometimes June is Bustin' Out All Over applies to more than just springtime ... so you might want to wear a shirt that has a higher neckline.

Dear All of the Props for my Play,

Would you please magically all be at the theater tonight when I get there ... please?!

Dear Weather,

I like you today! Not too hot, not too cold, all I need is a light jacket.

Dear Squitch,

Operation F19GNO is so on it is awkward! Shut the Door!!

Dear Disneyland,

I miss you, shall I come visit in a few weeks? I think I shall! Thank you for agreeing!

Dear Lungs,

Please stop coughing and just breathe!! I know you like to steal all of the attention away from the other vital organs, but a month is long enough!

Dear Sister,

I cannot thank you enough for doing all of the sewing I needed done for the show. It is nice to have you in the family to abuse, I mean to be so darn talented!

Dear Internet Blog Stalkers

Just thought you could use your own shout-out. Especially you crazy readers from Russia!! If I knew how to say 'holla' in Russian I would! Since I do not, I will say it in the language of the next biggest audience, Canada, Holla!

Dear the Female Who Shall Remain Nameless

You are not an athlete, stop trying to pretend you are! Oh and you also are not an artist.

Dear K/T

I cannot wait for you to happen!! Your anonymity is going to be epic! A scale, a font, and a tube of chapstick and you are ready!

Best regards - Me.