The Phantom Text

You know the one I am talking about right? You get a text from someone who is not in your address book so their name does not appear ... and you do not recognize their number ... and they seem to be talking to you as if they know who you are ... right? Just what is the protocol there? For example, and I am not saying anything has happened exactly this way, but you get the gist ... italicized voice is the thoughts in my head.

Text received: I was just thinking about you today and hope your day is going great! Miss you!

Huh, I do not know who this is.

Reply: Thanks! Hate to ask but just who is this, please?

Text received: You do not know who this is?

No if I knew who you were I would not be asking you for your name, just saying.

Reply: Sadly no, sorry you seem to not be in my address book.

Text received: Really? Why would I not be in your address book?

How about you tell me who you are so I can tell you why we are not close enough friends for you to be in the address book of the phone my company gives me for work use?

Reply: Your number might not have ported over when I got my new phone.

Text received: Likely story.

At this point either you are so baffled by who it is you do not know, or you are so mad that someone is just being rude and not telling you who they are. Come on, just tell me your name! I would tell you my name if you asked. Things happen. Maybe I have not heard from you in years so frankly I have deleted you from my address book. Chances are we are not friends on Facebook either. Get over it. So I do not reply because I am just tired of the game.

Text Received: You really do not know who this is?

Reply: No, because you will not tell me.

Text received: You are in my address book.

Reply: You are obviously a better friend than I am. I will work on that and grow as a person.

Text received: No need to be rude about it.

No need to be rude about it? How about you tell me who the hell you are and then we can move on and I can tell you if I miss you too? Right now, not so much missing you; rather hoping you would just go away, frankly. Oh and sorry Mom for swearing in my italicized head voice.

Reply: So sorry to offend you by not having you in my address book and asking who you are.

Text received: Want to guess who this is?

Reply: Not really, I would like you to just tell me.

Text received: Oh no this is much more fun!

Fun for who? Or is it fun for whom? I never know the difference. My sister would know. I wonder if italicized voice should ask her, she is in my address book. Want to know why she is in my address book besides the fact we are related? She is in my address book because we talk all the time.

Text received: Why don't you ask me questions and I will answer them.

Reply: Fine, who are you?

Text received: I am me.

Reply: And who are you? Male or female?

Text received: Definitely human.

Reply: You did not answer a direct question.

Text received: It is much more fun this way.

If I were British I might tell you to bugger off at this point. I just saw The King's Speech and I know all the bad words in the King's English. ('Bugger off' as in the light hearted slang between friends telling one to 'leave', and not the more hostile expletive equivalent that Americans use.)

Reply: Right, and I am done guessing. Please have a good day!

Text received: Oh that was no fun. Fine I will tell you who I am.

I am done caring who you are. I did not really care in the first place, I was just trying to be polite by asking. Done caring. I have so many other things to worry about right now like school, work, the play, my real friends who are in my address book, global economy or warming ... both equally important, should I buy a new pair of pants, when can I schedule a time to get my eyebrows waxed, doing my laundry ... I could go on and on of the small things in my life that are much more important to me than who this text riddle is from.

Alright let's be honest, this text conversation did not happen, but this month I have received 4 text from people who are not in my address book. These phantom texts have all come at different times and from different people about different things. One asked me if I wanted to buy some cookie dough for a school fundraiser (I figured out who that was), another told me to feel better soon (also figured out who that was), one was from someone telling me they would be late for rehearsal (I had their number on my cast list so that one was easy to find out) and the last was someone telling they were getting married this summer. I think I know who it is, but they did not respond to my text telling them they are not in my address book. I do not put every contact in my life in my phone address book. I just do not have that much of an interest. That might sound rude, but the more phone numbers in my address book the more I have to scroll through to find the few I actually do communicate with on a regular basis. I am more likely to update my email address book than to put someone in my phone contacts. That is just how I roll.

So am I the only one who gets the phantom text? If not, how do you handle it?

A Day in the Life...

... of a Director

I do not get asked this ... well ever ... but I still am going to tell you what my day was like today as the director for The Curious Savage. My alarm went off today at 6:00, keep in mind today is Saturday. I showered and got dressed in my finest jeans and Captain Hammer shirt. I donned my Broadway Bares 14 hat and ran to the grocery store to get some things for lunch and a treat for the cast. I then loaded up Pop's truck, picked up the chairman of the Arts Council, and went to pick up the rest of our set pieces and lights. We were at the stage by 9 where the cast met us, helped us to carry in these items, and we started running the show at 9:30. We took a lunch break at 12:00 and while the cast went out to eat the Assistant Director and I taped off the prop table, chose music for the scene changes, vacuumed, and shoved down a pb&j sandwich. The cast came back and we had root beer floats for those few people who are not celebrating their birthday during the run of our show (about half of the cast have birthdays during the run or the rehearsals of our show, I miss it by 6 days!) then we sat down for notes and started the show again at 1:00. At 3 we had to be out of the theater since another group was coming in; well I had a real treat when I went with my Mom, Deb, and Co to see a movie! And all I have to say about that is Colin Firth better win the Oscar! When we got home I ran back to the theater to grab some props to wash so my cast can actually drink out of them, came home and washed them, then experimented with burnt paper for one prop and herbal tea for another scene. Here it is now 8:30 p.m. and with the exception of the wonderful movie break I have been "directing" all day. This is me not complaining, I love it! But it has been a busy day. We open in a week which means this week is tech week - we call it hell week because it describes it just perfectly - so I am fully expecting to get about 5 hours of sleep a night.

The best part about directing is not the long hours behind the scenes, it is watching the show come together. Four weeks ago our cast sat down for the first time to read through the script and now we have a really great finished product. This show has not been an easy one, usually we have eight weeks of rehearsal instead of five, but this cast really pulled it out. I have had a blast getting the set up and dressed (that is what we call all of the set decorations like our dart board and live gold fish, you heard me), it is the first time I have been able to pull a truly beautiful set together and have done so under my budget!

I think I have deserved a really nice early bed time tonight ... say in 25 minutes!

The Letters I Want to Write Today

Dear Gaffer Tape,

I love you and want to register for you if I ever get married. You glow in the dark now?! Child, please!! Hold me!

Dear Cast,

Oh man you are golden!

Dear iPad,

I miss playing with you more often. Please magically find a new game to be obsessed with. The Frogs and Birds are kind of getting old.

Dear Manager at the Fat Girl Store,

I am not going to beat around the bush here, you are too skinny to work at the Fat Girl Store. There I said it, I meant it. See here is the thing about the Fat Girl Store: It is where the Fat Girls shop; not the skinny girls. When the Fat Girl comes in to return the bras that were sent that are the wrong size she does not want to know how glad you are that she returned them to you because you wear that size (that by the way should not be sold at the Fat Girl Store because they are too small for the Fat Girl) No, the Fat Girl is already put out that she had to come into the store to return the things when she ordered them online for convenience! Some people would say the solution would be for me, the Fat Girl, to lose weight so I can shop and the Skinny Girl Store; I say the solution is for you to sit down with a nice big chocolate cake so you fit in; and tell corporate to stop selling clothing that the Skinny Girl wears, she has her own store.

Dear Employee at the Fat Girl Store,

Again, not going to beat around the bush, you need a different shirt. The thing about being a Fat Girl is that sometimes June is Bustin' Out All Over applies to more than just springtime ... so you might want to wear a shirt that has a higher neckline.

Dear All of the Props for my Play,

Would you please magically all be at the theater tonight when I get there ... please?!

Dear Weather,

I like you today! Not too hot, not too cold, all I need is a light jacket.

Dear Squitch,

Operation F19GNO is so on it is awkward! Shut the Door!!

Dear Disneyland,

I miss you, shall I come visit in a few weeks? I think I shall! Thank you for agreeing!

Dear Lungs,

Please stop coughing and just breathe!! I know you like to steal all of the attention away from the other vital organs, but a month is long enough!

Dear Sister,

I cannot thank you enough for doing all of the sewing I needed done for the show. It is nice to have you in the family to abuse, I mean to be so darn talented!

Dear Internet Blog Stalkers

Just thought you could use your own shout-out. Especially you crazy readers from Russia!! If I knew how to say 'holla' in Russian I would! Since I do not, I will say it in the language of the next biggest audience, Canada, Holla!

Dear the Female Who Shall Remain Nameless

You are not an athlete, stop trying to pretend you are! Oh and you also are not an artist.

Dear K/T

I cannot wait for you to happen!! Your anonymity is going to be epic! A scale, a font, and a tube of chapstick and you are ready!

Best regards - Me.

The Curious Savage

I am directing another show for Midvale City. The Curious Savage is a pretty funny play, if I do say so myself! The show opens February 4 and runs the 4, 5, 7, 8, 11, 12 at 7:30 p.m. We perform at the Midvale Performing Arts Center 695 West Center Street (7720 South) in Midvale. Ticket prices are listed above, and are really reasonable!!

The show is produced by Suzanne Walker and my assistant director is Craig Clifford; the cast includes Matthew Baker, Catherine Bohman, Nathan Clifford, Tim Frost, Mark Hanson, Nancy Jensen, Candice Jorgensen, Melody Marse, Nichole Omana, Tiffany Stoddard, Scott Stone, and Wade Walker.

The basic premise of the show is that Mrs. Savage has been left $10 million by her late husband's estate; she starts to spend the money on things that makes her happy so her step children have her committed. She is placed in a ward at The Cloisters where she spends time with the current residents. It is a funny and heart warming story of seeing people as they really are. I am very proud of this work, and I hope you will come see the show.

101 Update

I went through the 101 goals that I set in 2008 to see what else I need to focus on. I updated the list by striking through what has been accomplished. Not too shabby! Some of the goals were not accomplished by the deadline I had specifically set, but I have 33 left to finish this year. I think most of them actually will be accomplished!

The Asthma

Salt Lake locals, have you seen those billboards talking about asthma with a goldfish on a white backdrop? It has the caption: I feel like a fish with no water. It is a good description, frankly. People who have asthma, holla, know all too well exactly what this billboard is talking about. Having asthma is rough, but having asthma during January in Salt Lake City is near impossible. The inversion in Utah during January can be unbearable for a person with asthma. For those without asthma, please allow me to fill you in on what it can be like.

A well controlled asthma patient will be able to function as well as almost anyone on a typical day. But when asthma is not controlled walking up the stairs can feel the same is one might feel when jogging for an extended period of time in cold weather might feel. The chest is tight and can burn when taking the slightest breath.

Taking a deep breath can be impossible. Imagine putting a thick cloth over your mouth and nose and breathing hard for a minute. After a while you will feel kind of suffocating... then you take the cloth off and breath deep where all of your lung will actually fill up. See the difference?

Controlling asthma can mean that you take a daily pill and/or use an inhaler more than once a day. Not having asthma under control means that you might do all of that PLUS use your rescue inhaler every 4-6 hours. The chemicals used to help one breathe better can also make one light headed. This is of course preferable to not being able to breathe at all.

Now take all of this and add the crappy air of a January inversion. I pray daily in January for rain or snow to clean out the air. Most people without asthma will feel a little ill during the January inversion. People with asthma have so much more to look forward to. Since our respiratory systems are already compromised it is so much worse. In some instances the gunk gets into the lungs and people with asthma cannot get enough intake of breath to cough it out. So it sits and festers (for lack of a better word.) Since the gunk does not get out the lungs they are susceptible to infection.

The way to fix this is a course of antibiotics, a steroid, and typically an albuterol breathing treatment. None of these options are particularly nice, except the breathing treatment which feels so amazing. Sometimes people with asthma have to visit the hospital more than once to clean out the lungs when this happens. It really is like being a fish out of water and trying to breathe.

So I think the solution is for insurance companies to pay for everyone in Salt Lake who has asthma to fly to Hawaii during the month of January. Clean, fresh, warm air. Just saying it is a win win win situation.

Oh Child, Please!!

So I have a photographer in my family, Katie takes really great photos ... she has one job!! (Inside joke) Well Katie was out of town visiting her family in Seattle for a week and Sister needed some photos taken and happens to have a super sweet camera too! So I got to play and this is happened ...

That little girl melts my heart! Mac is pretty sweet action! Of course Katie will never be replaced because she has mad skills like this:

LoMo is 2, Sissy is 3, Mac is 1, and LilBud is 18 months now. We had a photo shoot for some pictures for Christmas for my folks. Colleen made the outfits with her Busy Bean business, Katie took the pic, Debbie and I ... well we supervised! I cannot believe how big these kids are getting; it seems like just yesterday when Sissy arrived. I know being a proud aunt is allowed, but even someone who is not their proud aunt would have to admit they are adorable little ones! Child, please!

A New Year ... Hello Mr. January!

Besty has given me a calendar for Christmas the last two years. Last year it was a Dr. Horrible calendar which was awesome and I thought the best she could ever do because I am such a fan. On the contrary!! This year I am the proud recipient of this little beauty:

Yes indeed, the Nice Jewish Guys 2011 Calendar! A dream come true!! Please allow me to introduce you to Mr. January! This is Brian S.

"His favorite drink is orange juice and his favorite movie is Annie Hall. He once won a contest and got to go on a date with Rosanne Barr's Daughter. How Random? He believes his sexiest attribute is his hair and admits he is not the biggest fan of matzah."

Because I know you will care as much as I do, each month I will introduce you to another nice Jewish guy from my super awesome calendar. I know you are jealous, you should be. This hangs on the wall over my bed, sweet dreams every night!