Towanda

So let's be honest here: I am going through the change of life. There is a post back here that explains too much information about the hysterectomy I had almost 6 months ago. Since I had a total hysterectomy I was placed on a hormone patch to help with the changes that my body is facing. It makes me think of the movie Fried Green Tomatoes where Kathy Bates' character goes through what Jessica Tandy's character calls "The change of life." In case you have not heard, menopause makes some of the women a little CRAZY!!!

Here are some of the things I have noticed have been changes for me, in no particular order:

My memory sucks!!

Hot flashes suck!!

I get tired and lethargic.

I am moody.

I am more girlie now (more on this below).

My  memory sucks!! (Wait did I already say that?)

I cry for no reason.

I cry a lot when there is reason.

I get sidetracked by shiny objects.

I take a lot of things very personally.

I have less of a germ problem than I used to.

I feel different about myself and how I look, how I feel.

I have a little bit of a lower self image than before. 

My appetite is completely different.

I am lonelier than I used to be, I need more love and affection that I used to.

I do not miss periods, and I do not miss the pain.

I am more honest and blunt than I used to be. (which is a big thing because I have always been blunt)

I am needier in my relationships than I used to be (see I am more girlie now!)

Really my two biggest issues are my memory and the slight change in my personality (see I am more girlie now!)

Here is the fact of the matter, if I am asked to do something, go some where, attend something, etc and I do not write it down, it does not happen. I have triple booked myself for evenings and have to make a choice as to what I am going to do or where I am going to go. I am lucky that one of my friends did not break up with me because for a stretch there I did not write anything down that we planned. I was that person ... the one I used to roll my eyes at and wonder how they put their pants on in the morning. Now I am pretty good about writing things in my calendar. I say pretty good, because honestly I still forget. (Note to you: if we make plans you may want to just say casually "So Steph, did you put that in your calendar?")

The harder struggle for me is being needy, lonely, feeling unloved though I know I am very loved, and taking things personally when there is no real reason. I have a lot of emotions that I am not really used to. I do not think I will be able to effectively express how different my emotional status is from 6 short months ago. 6 months ago if I had a friend cancel plans with me I would have shrugged it off. Today I take it as personally as if a boyfriend were to break up with me. (interesting, I know, that my other issue is memory lapses where I have stood friends up. The irony is not lost on me!) I crave emotional and physical connections now more than I did. Also very interesting since I have always been physically affectionate with those I love. The crying is what gets me. I have a dear friend who is not now, nor ever has been, afraid to cry in public. I said just the other day "I am the new Carrie!" The crying is all new, I was not much of a crier before though I am not one who made fun of criers. Post surgery I missed my godson's birthday party because I woke up crying for no reason, and could not stop. (They increased my hormones after that one!) Now I am a little more regulated emotionally, but still even a little thing sets me off. One day I was sitting in my new office and I was feeling overwhelmed. I got a text from a friend just to say hi or something innocent like that and I burst into tears because someone loved me. Old Stephanie figuratively stood next to me and shook her head "tsk tsk, it is not logical for you to be crying New Stephanie." New Stephanie flipped her off and told her to shut up because it is ok to feel things! The issue is that I need more physical affection and, for the single lady, it is problematic some days! So when I get stood up or cancelled on by a friend my new-non-rational-hormonal-gonna-rip-someone's-head-off brain breaks down a little because that is one more day without someone to love on. I find I am not as exuberantly happy as I used to be (friends ask me all the time if I am alright because I just do not seem happy), I am more pensive which I attribute to not having to overcompensate for the pain I used to feel, someone asked me the other day if I was depressed because I was not smiling,  and I get lonely. I have been a single lady for 36 years and have come to terms with being single; and it is not even really about not having a man to love me that makes me lonely. There is a sense of finite emptiness that sometimes fills my heart. (Note to you: if we make plans and you want to see me cry, cancel on me ... of course then you would not be seeing me ...) 

The point of the post, if there is a point, is that I am trying to make the best of finding out who the New Stephanie really is. Who is the new me? How do I come to terms with the changes I am feeling because my body is compensating for menopause? When will I ever stop crying?! I find things are not logical, and it is ok. I find that germs are not as scary as they used to be (Shout out K, God made dirt and dirt don't hurt!) Perfectly organized life is not a possibility, and I just have to role with the punches. That being said, there are many aspects I do not yet understand about how or why I feel or act like I do right now. Towanda! The new me. Thanks for being patient until I figure her out. Thanks for the extra loves and kisses when I need them. Thanks for not cancelling on me or being understanding when I cry when you do. Mostly thanks for the love. I need a whole hell of a lot more than I used to! (Sorry mom, I swore ...)

Low, Medium, and High Impact

There was an exercise program when I was growing up that showed low, medium, and high impact exercises. There were three people on a various leveled stage at the same time and you, the exerciser, would follow the person you felt you could. If you went low impact at it you probably would not work up a very big sweat. If you went high impact at it you could get a good workout. Now follow my bouncing ball here, but when I think about friends I think that there are low, medium, and high impact friends as well.

There are those friends who you call on when no one else is around (low impact) and those you call on because they are the best friends in your life (high impact). I think of low impact friends as social media only friends. Those people who friend you on Facebook and once a year you hear from them as they leave a birthday greeting on your Wall or maybe 'like' a picture of you. Medium impact friends are those that you see frequently in person and you want to invite to your birthday party; the friends you love to hang around with on a regular basis. The high impact friends are those you are certain that your life would not be the same without. These are the friends that make you want to be better, that make you a better person because you know them. (Yup, went a little Wicked at it!) These are the friends you cry with and laugh with. These are the friends who you cannot wait to text when you have news to share. They are the ones who when they hurt you hurt. They are the ones who when you hurt are so grateful that they understand and hurt with you. These are the friends who hold you when you just need to cry for no reason, these are the friends who cry with you when you have good reason. These are the friends who stay up until 3 in the morning at impromptu sleep overs and tell you stories so they can have their nose back which you stole. (Don't ask) These are the friends who come over for the award shows and know not to talk and only make fun of the actors that you all do not like. These are the friends who you do not feel an obligation to entertain when you are together and can sit for hours in silence and not feel awkward. These high impact friends are the best friends because they love you even when you do not think you deserve it.

I had a friend give me a sign once that said "A good friend is hard to find, harder to lose, and impossible to forget." I am so blessed to have high impact friends.

Is This Thing On?

Tap ... tap ... hello? Is this blog on? Tap ... tap ... hello?

Apparently life exploded and I have not been able to blog in far too long. But I wanted to share something today that Candice shared with me. I love this, I support her message, and not just because I am fat as well. Because it is right.

Change

Change is not always my favorite thing. I decided today that my scale to determine if a change is good is as follows: (since I like to sleep in Saturdays) if a thought of  change wakes me up before I want to be awake and a smile breaks across my face it is a good change! If a thought of change wakes me up and I want to do Snoopy dances laying in my bed it is a great change. If a thought of change wakes me up and I want to jump up on the bed, do a Chandler dance, and cannot control a scream of joy and happiness from escaping me then it was a life changing change worth waiting for! Sometimes change is not only good, but worth the wait!

Labels

It is late, or very early, and I'm having a hard time sleeping (I started this about 2:30 a.m.) Partly because I worked in my yard a few days ago and my body hurts, but mostly because my brain won't shut off. Today I heard a mom tell her son "you can't do that" in regard to an activity that all of the other kids were doing: a bean bag toss. This mom went on to tell her son that because he was autistic he couldn't do the same things other kids can do; worse, she told everyone there why her son could not do something. I about lost it. So I handed her son a bean bag, and told him how to toss it. He did not make it in the hole the first, second or even third time. But he eventually figured it out.

Labels are very dangerous things! Some people will have some limitations, but no one, NO ONE should be told that they can't do something. How sad when they believe you!

How many labels do we toss around every day? Stupid, idiot, fat, ugly, short, worthless ... I can go on and on. Nothing is more sad to me than when kids pick up on this and start using labels to describe another kid. I will be the first to admit I use these words far too often myself. I am fat. It is just a word to me; it does describe how I look, but it is a very dangerous word! This one word has changed my life entirely because of how people use it. Sure at 36 I can use this word as cavalier as I just did. It's a word to describe one single attribute about me. A little kid does not know what it means until an adult teaches him or her. Because a child does not understand all that an adult does, fat becomes a bad word.

Words can damage far worse than physical violence. Cuts, breaks, and bruises heal and are easily forgotten. But words stay with us and become who we are. Words like 'can't' and 'don't' become stumbling blocks to a child. I have been told that I can't sing so often that sadly I started to believe it. Imagine how different my life would be if I didn't listen OR if someone had taken the time to tell me what I needed was a good vocal coach!? 'Can't' should be banned! I can sing, everyone can sing!

Language is powerful. Language can be hateful and hurtful. How many of us have said offhandedly "that was stupid!"? How did you feel the next time your kid came crying because some other kid called him or her stupid? What did you say? If you are anything like me (or my sister because I do not have kids) you probably cried a little because your baby hurt. Kids, after all, are just very young adults! Hate and anger are learned behaviors for littles; as adults we can learn to be good again. Look at an infant, they are not born with the ability to tell someone that they are 'dumb' or 'can't' do something. They love, and cuddle, and cry, and eat, and poop. The rest is really learned. We are all born good; we have to learn the bad.

Human beings place labels on one another: white, black, Christian, Jew, smart, dumb, prett, ugly, fat, skinny, tall, short, rich, poor, blonde, brunette. Words are just words until we define them. Words do not define who we are. Yes, I am 'fat'. But that is not all I am! What is more: that is not WHO I am!! I cannot be summed up in three letters. I reject that as a label! And I reject anyone who would try to define any child with their words and limitations.

I work with people with Special Needs at church. All too often they are told that they cannot do something. Physical or mental limitations do indeed make it harder for them. They might be slower at an activity but I truly  believe that people with Special Needs can do anything that they set their minds too. Medical labels are the worst! We use them as excuses why a person cannot do something, not as reason why it takes a person longer. ADD, ADHD, obesity, autism, aspergers, deaf, Downs Syndrome ... these are not defining characteristics, they are limitations. They are reasons, not excuses. My niece with aspergers can do everything that every other kid can do, she just sometimes takes longer to do it. Sometimes she has to learn how to do it herself. Sometimes she just does not have the desire to do it at that time. I have never heard her parents tell her she cannot do something. They always encourage her to try, and figure it out. That is good parenting.

As an adult I now have things I have always wanted to do but have not ever done either because of fear or self doubt. It is not that I can't do something, it is that I have not yet done it. It is time to break the bands of CAN'T! It is time to break through the labels, and fight against the doubters in the world. I have always wanted to run a marathon. So I am going to run a marathon. I can run a marathon, it is going to take small steps to get there, but can't is a four-letter word. My Mom always taught us to avoid those nasty little four-letter words! Especially around kids!

What?!

I have a memory problem lately ... like a big memory problem. If I do not write something down, put it in my calendar, or set a reminder on my phone it just does not get done. Plain and simple. That is not normally how I roll ... not normally. It hit me the other day that this has been since having my hysterectomy. I have deduced that the source of my power was my ovaries. They removed the source of my power and thus removed my memory. I was at an event Saturday and saw a lot of people from high school. With the exception of the people I still am friends with, I could not remember a single one of them. I could have blocked them out of my memory ... let's be honest high school was an awkward time for me ... but all of them?It has been 18 years, but that is kind of ridiculous! There is a new woman in my church congregation that used to live in one of the areas I served as a missionary. I honestly do not remember her or the area. The source of my power is gone! Horrific cramps versus no memories ... nah, I made the right decision. But I think I should write a book similar to What to Expect When You are Expecting ... What to Expect Now That You Have No Ovaries ... the problem is, I cannot remember ...

That Kind of Friend

After a few days of doing a live performance in the same outfit ... well let us say nicely that costumes start to smell and get makeup on them. So last night we piled all of the Act II costumes into my car so I could wash them. (Act I costumes are dry clean only.) I mentioned that I would take home whatever they needed washed short of their 'unders' because, as I said, "I love you all, but not enough to wash your unders." Kristen told me she loved me enough to wash my unders ... she often tells me that God made dirt, and dirt don't hurt. I admit to having a bit of a germ problem.  So as I was up late washing the laundry I was a-thinkin. Of course I was thinking about it. What else was I going to do until 11:30? In hindsight I could have watched the latest episode of Drop Dead Diva.

Do I really love these girls enough to wash their unders? Yes. Yes I do. Is that what it is really about? No. I try my best to be the kind of friend to others that I want in return. (That includes the snarky and sassy that sometimes comes out of my mouth!!) I want, and have, great friends. Friends I know I can call late at night if I need to REALLY cry or if I have great news to share. I want the kind of friends who I can invite into my messy house (currently) and not feel ashamed of the mess. I want the kind of friends who I can laugh with about nothing in particular and who do not judge me when I think I am funny but really I am not. I want the kind of friends who I think will flip over a little tchotcke I see in a store so I get it for them. I want the kind of friends who believe in the same things as I do, or will not slam my beliefs. I want the kind of friends who love me unconditionally. I want the kind of friends who sing their guts out and do not mind if it is off key. I want friends who will listen to me even if I do not make sense. I want friends who will give advice only as needed. I want friends who love hugs and cheek kisses. I want friends who can put in a movie and fall asleep if they are really tired! I want the kind of friends who laugh, love, and live life to the fullest. 

I have these friends in spades, I love them with all of my heart. So I want to be that kind of friend for them as well. I might not always succeed, but by golly I love my friends! I have a lot of BESTS. I have the best kinds of friends! I have that kind of friend ... the kind of friend I find worthy of being MY friend. I love THAT kind of friend! So YES, Kristen, I would wash your unders because I know you would do that for me. How great would the world be if we all were THAT kind of friend? The kind of friend we want in return, so we were that friend for others. 

I love my friends. I have the best kind of friends!

Appreciation

I heard a comment that really made me think about appreciation and being grateful for what one has in life. It is not the first time I have contemplated this topic, but I have not been able to put it out of my mind since hearing the comment the other day. I find it interesting that people, myself included, will play the "what if?" game about the past. I play it! What if I had not become a nanny and gone to school instead? What if I had waited until A was off his mission before I left for mine? What if I really had become a drama teacher? What if I had not directed X show and not met X? What if I did not have a hysterectomy? What if I were married? What if we had kids? What if I had been born in England during Pride and Prejudice time ... would the book be about me? What if ... ? What if ... ?


I personally do not think that wondering what would have happened if we had taken a different path in life is a bad thing. Where I think we enter dangerous waters is when we covet a life that is not ours based on the 'what ifs' in life. I do not know a single person who does not wonder what life would be if they were married; I have heard multiple married people tell me how lucky I am to still be single because I can travel and do not have to fight over the toilet paper role, not thinking how it might affect me because I would love to go home every night to someone who loved me. People with 1 kid wish they had more; people with many kids wish they had fewer. Those who own a house complain about doing yard work; those in a condo complain about HOA fees. People with jobs complain about their work environment; people without a job blame it on politicians. The list goes on and on. And on. I am guilty of doing this so I include myself in this ... whatever this is ... telling off ... rant ... vent ... whatever. 


It struck me last night that it is so important to be grateful for what I have. A few weeks ago my work shuffled job responsibilities and I have a new job at work. I had my old job for 13 years and was VERY comfortable doing it. Now I have to learn, and frankly create, a whole new job. The thing is, I am still employed. I never lost my income, I never lost my job security, I did not lose my seniority. But I was not comfortable yet, and frankly still am not, with the unknown of what was happening in my life. The weekend after it happened I was having dinner with a friend who is not employed right now. How could I complain about what was happening to me when he did not know where his futureincome would come from?


I am so thankful for what I have been blessed with in my life. I am not married, I have no children, I will probably never have children; so be careful when you offer me your unruly kid because I will take one of you up on that one day! I think it is alright to be frustrated with some aspects of our lives, however we always will be thankful for the blessings that we do have. I am so blessed to have a family who loves me. I am blessed with a home to live in. I am blessed with food to eat, and money to spend on things I want to. I am so blessed! So the next time I feel the need to complain about rolling over my foot with the set at least I am blessed with feet and the joy of doing a play. The next time I feel the need to complain that I am all alone when I go home at night, at least I have a home to go to and MANY people who love me who happen to not live with me. Being frustrated is one thing, complaining about things is another. There is a line from the musical Aida "If you don't like your fate, change it. You are your own master, there are no shackles on you. So don't expect any pity or understanding from this humble palace slave." It is said to a prince by a slave because he is complaining about his life.  We are indeed the master of our destiny. I believe we choose to be happy or miserable in most instances. (I am not debating the validity of mental illness and hormonal imbalance, which I believe are very real things and can affect our moods; I am strictly talking about finding joy in our lives.) In most instances we can choose to be happy and find joy in this life. As I type this I am looking out my (current) office window at the fluffy clouds and blue sky and it makes me happy! What a wonderful world to experience and find joy in!! Today, I appreciate and am thankful for many things!