MMRF Week 1

It has been a week since I registered for the MMRF fundraising team to run in the Las Vegas marathon. I have found out the race is November 17, 2013. I will be running the half marathon since the finish time for the full is 4 hours 30 minutes. The half gives me 4 hours to finish. I am registered for the race, I have paid my money, there is no turning back now!

To get started training I have been doing a Couch to 5K program. I am running 3 times a week right now. It is slow, it is not for long periods of time, and it is awesome! I am running. I had a physical with my doctor yesterday to make sure that I am cleared to do this exercise, and I am feeling really good about it. I have also been tracking my food using My Fitness Pal.

Please notice the link on the right of the blog to donate to the MMRF fund for my run. My brother and sister are also running. We each need to raise $1,500 for the foundation, which will be at least $4,500 for research!

Thanks to everyone who has already encouraged me in this effort and/or donated. I am having a ball with it!

Taking Action

Followers to this blog know that Mom has cancer. They also should know by now that Cancer Sucks! My family decided to help raise funds for the Multiple Myeloma Research Foundation by joining the marathon team to run in the Vegas marathon on December 1, 2013. Each runner has a goal to reach of $1,500 by then. That is $125 a month that I need to raise.

In order to help with this they have set me up a fundraising website. I now, unashamedly, solicit help from my friends, family, and random blog stalkers to accomplish this goal. Little bits add up, big amounts are always welcome.

Mom getting her second stem cell transplant Jan 2012

Would you visit: My Donation Site and learn more about my efforts and, if able, make a donation to help me with my goal? I also appreciate any help you can by passing on this information to your contacts. The fact of the matter is that multiple myeloma has no cure. With some cancers, like skin or breast when caught early,  the cancer patient will have surgery, chemo, and/or radiation and can be cured. With multiple myeloma the patient can be treated but it is incurable. To me that is just unacceptable and devastating. This means that I will, more than likely, lose my mother to cancer. This cancer is in the blood, so it is throughout her body. Her bones are brittle and break easily. She is 5 inches shorter than she used to be. She walks hunched over. While the money we raise now probably will not save her life, I hope that it can save the lives of numerous people who are diagnosed with this cancer in the future. Please join me in raising this money.

In other news, I now have to get ready to run a half marathon in 12 months. Challenge accepted!

I Love Christmas

It would be impossible ... or rather improbable ... to grow up in the house I did and not love Christmas. Mom loves Christmas so much, it is her favorite holiday. December is her birthday too, so it was always a big deal around our house. Christmas music started playing in our house as early as my dad would let it. Meaning when he was not around we blasted it! Grams used to sing "Little Drummer Boy" to us year round when rocking us to sleep. She always had a holiday boutique where she would sell cards, wrapping, and crafts she made. Christmas was a big deal growing up. 

Now that we are grown it is no less special. My siblings are married with children; this year two of them are in Washington with their other family. That means we just get to celebrate Christmas longer. My sister is just as much to watch on Christmas morning as my nieces and nephews are. She is giddy when presents are around. She shakes them, trying to guess what she is getting for Christmas. It is just fun to watch her. 

We have traditions that started the first year the folks were married that we have carried on now for 41 years. (I saw we like I was there, I am not quite that old yet.) Every Christmas Eve we get together with as many of the family as are around and make waffles for dinner. We used to have a tradition where we would make donuts after decorating the tree. And for breakfast on Christmas Day we had little boxes of cereal. The one tradition I admit to not missing is on Christmas morning we used to have to wait to go upstairs to open presents until everyone was awake. (Ok I actually miss that bit because we used to all gather in the folks room as we woke up and lay on the floor or the bed until everyone was up.) What I do not miss is Dad walking up the stairs to turn on all of the Christmas lights. He then would line us up youngest to oldest at the bottom of the stairs. Only then would he say "Well, Santa did not come this year, might as well go back to bed." Got old, do not miss it. Sorry Dad. 

When we were younger, after we had our family Christmas, we would go to visit Grams and the Aunts. Most of the cousins would come  by throughout the day so we saw most of the family. I loved that and miss it every year. Grams passed almost 13 years ago and that tradition sadly died with her. I think it is so important to not only have, but uphold, family traditions. Sure Christmas is celebrated in Pagan ways with the tree and presents. But Christmas is a time for family. I feel a loss at Christmas when family is not around. This year, thanks to Skype, we were able to celebrate with family away from us. I still missed being together in person. 

Christmas is about family. It is about celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ. It is about good company, and good will. I love Christmas. I love it all. The music; the snow; the fire in the fireplace; the stocking stuffers; tracking Santa with NORAD; the food; the lights; the sounds; the smells. But mostly I love spending time with friends and family. A very Merry Christmas to all of you who I call friend or family or both. Thank you for making my life better by being in it. 

I spell respect: AUDITION

I am the Producer for the Midvale Arts Council. It is a great job and I love it. I get to produce 2 shows a year, one musical, one play. I have some great friends from doing shows. It is never dull, and usually an adventure. I have deep respect for those who put themselves on stage, with hope of a part, and nothing but talent and desire to fight for a role. It is nerve racking to stand in front of people you may or may not know auditioning for a show. I have done it often myself. Sometimes I get the part, more often than not I do not. But each audition is a teaching/learning experience. Last night we had a few such hopefuls join us for a callback for Steel Magnolias. Even more nerve-racking than an audition ... callbacks. At a callback each auditioner has additional hope that they will be given the part because they made it through round 1. The auditioners all try their best to show what they can do, how hard they will work, how much fun they will be to work with, how talented they are, and how much they want the part. They size up the competition and try to outshine them. Often good friends are up for the same part, and often they either both lose or one gets it while the other does not.

Sitting on the ProStaff side is slightly easier, but not much. At auditions we know what the magic number to cast the show is. When we hit that number of auditions often I will say "Well we can at least cast it." After that it becomes a difficult job to decide which actor is best for each role. Often I have had to choose from friends, foes, and random people I do not know. It is hard to know which person will be the best fit in 16 bars, or 60 seconds of monologue. I have gotten it wrong before. More often, I get it right. The worst part is having to tell a friend that he or she was not the right fit for this one. I have turned away super talented people before because it just was not right for the show. But I made a promise to myself that I would put aside my personal feelings and cast based on what is best for the show.

As a producer I get to give suggestions to the director on casting, but ultimately they get to decide what they want and I get to approve or veto. The ProTeam is just as nervous as the actors at the end of the night. The actor waits to hear, the ProTeam struggles to make the best choice. I have so much respect for those involved in the whole process. The actor for putting themselves out there, and the ProTeam for putting aside personal feelings to make the best possible decision. Actors, directors, and producers are vain creatures. We have to have tough skin to do what we do, and to be rejected as often as we are. It hurts every time I am told no, I am not right for a role. I always wonder if I am not talented enough. It hurts every time I have to tell a hopeful actor that he or she is not right for a role. It is doubly hard when it is a friend. It is gut-wrenching when it is a good friend. It is a thrill to offer parts to those who earned it. I have had people walk into an audition I have never met and I cannot wait to work with them. I have respect for each person who keeps coming back regardless of the outcome. I have respect for each person involved in the process. I wish I could cast everyone. But it is not realistic.

So thank you, from the bottom of my heart, to those who sit on both sides of the table. For those who keep coming back. For those who make it easier. For those who respect the process. For those who keep smiling and hugging me even if they are not chosen. For those who work hard when they are chosen. For the directors who work their cans off to earn another show with me. For the actors who so graciously want to work on my stage. It is an honor to produce shows for those who want to act on my stage, and those who come to see the show to be entertained. I give you my respect and thanks right back.

A Problem

I have a problem with a very real aspect of society that truly affected me today. I live right by the local elementary and middle schools. I have kids walking by my house all day. It starts about 7:30 in the morning and I still have kids leaving school around 5:30 when I get home from work. This morning I saw a kid walking the wrong way, away from school. He was crying. I was just leaving my house and did not think much of it. Shame on me. I got in my car and pulled out of my driveway. When I got to the corner of the street I saw this same kid walking back toward school physically upset and crying. I had an internal struggle within myself "I should help that kid." "You cannot help that kid, you are a stranger." "I would want someone to help my kid, if I had a kid." "He does not know you and you could be scary and dangerous." I actually had this fight in my head. Shame on me again. So I finally decided that if the police wanted to arrest me for doing the right thing I was fine with it. I rolled down my window and asked him if he was ok. He said no. I asked him if he needed help. He said yes. I pulled my car over and got out. I was blocking traffic, I was a stranger, and I did not care.

We live in a society where the good people are terrified at times to help out the innocent. I am fully aware that there are very bad people in our society, that do very real and bad things to people. I am fully aware that there are very sick and twisted people who will hurt young children in vile and disgusting ways. How sad that these people have made me so paranoid that I had to even pause before helping this kid. Because there are more good people in our society who want to do good. There are good people who helped me growing up, and helped me see good. I wanted to walk this kid to school and make sure the very capable secretary at the elementary school was aware of him and his needs. I wanted to give this kid a hug and a tissue; let him know that everything was going to be alright. His problem was very real and big to this kid. And there is nothing I can do to help him.But I could not take this kid the rest of the way to school because someone could have thought I was kidnapping him. I could not hug this kid because that is sexual harassment. This is very sad and disturbing to me. All this kid, DJ, needed to know is that someone loved him. Literally, he did not think anyone loved him. And I could not show him any affection because of our societal stigma. What I could do was listen to him, talk to him, and encourage him to talk to a trusted adult at school. Then I called the school and asked the secretary to bring this kid down and have him talk to someone who was a trusted adult.

As I was doing this I had people honk at me for blocking traffic, I had the crossing guards rush over to make sure I was not a threat to him, and 30+ cars full of parents drove past me not helping. That to me is sad. I know that society is full of good people. I say the good people unite and take a stand. I want to be able to help kids who do not have good and love around them without the fear of being hauled in for questionable actions. I want to know that I can help the DJ's of the world and that they will grow up to be good people too. So bad people of the world, you can suck it! Good people, let's take back our society and do good.

Woah, how did that soapbox get under my feet?

Towanda

So let's be honest here: I am going through the change of life. There is a post back here that explains too much information about the hysterectomy I had almost 6 months ago. Since I had a total hysterectomy I was placed on a hormone patch to help with the changes that my body is facing. It makes me think of the movie Fried Green Tomatoes where Kathy Bates' character goes through what Jessica Tandy's character calls "The change of life." In case you have not heard, menopause makes some of the women a little CRAZY!!!

Here are some of the things I have noticed have been changes for me, in no particular order:

My memory sucks!!

Hot flashes suck!!

I get tired and lethargic.

I am moody.

I am more girlie now (more on this below).

My  memory sucks!! (Wait did I already say that?)

I cry for no reason.

I cry a lot when there is reason.

I get sidetracked by shiny objects.

I take a lot of things very personally.

I have less of a germ problem than I used to.

I feel different about myself and how I look, how I feel.

I have a little bit of a lower self image than before. 

My appetite is completely different.

I am lonelier than I used to be, I need more love and affection that I used to.

I do not miss periods, and I do not miss the pain.

I am more honest and blunt than I used to be. (which is a big thing because I have always been blunt)

I am needier in my relationships than I used to be (see I am more girlie now!)

Really my two biggest issues are my memory and the slight change in my personality (see I am more girlie now!)

Here is the fact of the matter, if I am asked to do something, go some where, attend something, etc and I do not write it down, it does not happen. I have triple booked myself for evenings and have to make a choice as to what I am going to do or where I am going to go. I am lucky that one of my friends did not break up with me because for a stretch there I did not write anything down that we planned. I was that person ... the one I used to roll my eyes at and wonder how they put their pants on in the morning. Now I am pretty good about writing things in my calendar. I say pretty good, because honestly I still forget. (Note to you: if we make plans you may want to just say casually "So Steph, did you put that in your calendar?")

The harder struggle for me is being needy, lonely, feeling unloved though I know I am very loved, and taking things personally when there is no real reason. I have a lot of emotions that I am not really used to. I do not think I will be able to effectively express how different my emotional status is from 6 short months ago. 6 months ago if I had a friend cancel plans with me I would have shrugged it off. Today I take it as personally as if a boyfriend were to break up with me. (interesting, I know, that my other issue is memory lapses where I have stood friends up. The irony is not lost on me!) I crave emotional and physical connections now more than I did. Also very interesting since I have always been physically affectionate with those I love. The crying is what gets me. I have a dear friend who is not now, nor ever has been, afraid to cry in public. I said just the other day "I am the new Carrie!" The crying is all new, I was not much of a crier before though I am not one who made fun of criers. Post surgery I missed my godson's birthday party because I woke up crying for no reason, and could not stop. (They increased my hormones after that one!) Now I am a little more regulated emotionally, but still even a little thing sets me off. One day I was sitting in my new office and I was feeling overwhelmed. I got a text from a friend just to say hi or something innocent like that and I burst into tears because someone loved me. Old Stephanie figuratively stood next to me and shook her head "tsk tsk, it is not logical for you to be crying New Stephanie." New Stephanie flipped her off and told her to shut up because it is ok to feel things! The issue is that I need more physical affection and, for the single lady, it is problematic some days! So when I get stood up or cancelled on by a friend my new-non-rational-hormonal-gonna-rip-someone's-head-off brain breaks down a little because that is one more day without someone to love on. I find I am not as exuberantly happy as I used to be (friends ask me all the time if I am alright because I just do not seem happy), I am more pensive which I attribute to not having to overcompensate for the pain I used to feel, someone asked me the other day if I was depressed because I was not smiling,  and I get lonely. I have been a single lady for 36 years and have come to terms with being single; and it is not even really about not having a man to love me that makes me lonely. There is a sense of finite emptiness that sometimes fills my heart. (Note to you: if we make plans and you want to see me cry, cancel on me ... of course then you would not be seeing me ...) 

The point of the post, if there is a point, is that I am trying to make the best of finding out who the New Stephanie really is. Who is the new me? How do I come to terms with the changes I am feeling because my body is compensating for menopause? When will I ever stop crying?! I find things are not logical, and it is ok. I find that germs are not as scary as they used to be (Shout out K, God made dirt and dirt don't hurt!) Perfectly organized life is not a possibility, and I just have to role with the punches. That being said, there are many aspects I do not yet understand about how or why I feel or act like I do right now. Towanda! The new me. Thanks for being patient until I figure her out. Thanks for the extra loves and kisses when I need them. Thanks for not cancelling on me or being understanding when I cry when you do. Mostly thanks for the love. I need a whole hell of a lot more than I used to! (Sorry mom, I swore ...)

Low, Medium, and High Impact

There was an exercise program when I was growing up that showed low, medium, and high impact exercises. There were three people on a various leveled stage at the same time and you, the exerciser, would follow the person you felt you could. If you went low impact at it you probably would not work up a very big sweat. If you went high impact at it you could get a good workout. Now follow my bouncing ball here, but when I think about friends I think that there are low, medium, and high impact friends as well.

There are those friends who you call on when no one else is around (low impact) and those you call on because they are the best friends in your life (high impact). I think of low impact friends as social media only friends. Those people who friend you on Facebook and once a year you hear from them as they leave a birthday greeting on your Wall or maybe 'like' a picture of you. Medium impact friends are those that you see frequently in person and you want to invite to your birthday party; the friends you love to hang around with on a regular basis. The high impact friends are those you are certain that your life would not be the same without. These are the friends that make you want to be better, that make you a better person because you know them. (Yup, went a little Wicked at it!) These are the friends you cry with and laugh with. These are the friends who you cannot wait to text when you have news to share. They are the ones who when they hurt you hurt. They are the ones who when you hurt are so grateful that they understand and hurt with you. These are the friends who hold you when you just need to cry for no reason, these are the friends who cry with you when you have good reason. These are the friends who stay up until 3 in the morning at impromptu sleep overs and tell you stories so they can have their nose back which you stole. (Don't ask) These are the friends who come over for the award shows and know not to talk and only make fun of the actors that you all do not like. These are the friends who you do not feel an obligation to entertain when you are together and can sit for hours in silence and not feel awkward. These high impact friends are the best friends because they love you even when you do not think you deserve it.

I had a friend give me a sign once that said "A good friend is hard to find, harder to lose, and impossible to forget." I am so blessed to have high impact friends.

Is This Thing On?

Tap ... tap ... hello? Is this blog on? Tap ... tap ... hello?

Apparently life exploded and I have not been able to blog in far too long. But I wanted to share something today that Candice shared with me. I love this, I support her message, and not just because I am fat as well. Because it is right.